


Heaven is a long way off

by passedmydear



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, double suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:26:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24127366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/passedmydear/pseuds/passedmydear
Summary: On a snowy night, Semi and Shirabu park their car deep in the forest and commit double suicide by burning briquettes.
Relationships: Semi Eita/Shirabu Kenjirou
Kudos: 44





	Heaven is a long way off

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first piece of work. My first language is not English, so I may have made a few grammatical mistakes.

Everything we say to each other from now on is our will.

“I probably just wanted to be happy with someone. I wanted to be strong. I didn’t wanna be outdone by anyone. I wanted to be happy. But I can’t make it all come true, and here I am, doing this.”  
This is the first time that he has ever spoken so honestly about his weakness when he was alone with me.  
His monologue is like a moderato. The brunt of his bland monologue was not directed at me to tease me, as usual, but at his own sensitive heart.  
As he rested his weight against the back of the passenger seat, the whole car creaked in time. Sighing, he imagined something vaguely on the ceiling of the car.

Dead tree branches fill every space. There was a massive pile of snow on the ground.  
I looked back and saw that nothing important to me was coming after me anymore.

“Ushijima-san, Tendo-san, Ohira-san, Yamagata-san, Kawanishi and Goshiki, they’ve all settled down and doing well.”  
“That’s why you chose me.”  
“Well, I won’t deny it.”

He looked like he was holding back tears, as he returned with a small, shaky voice.  
Before I could make sure of it, he had his usual expression on his face, lifting the blanket on his lap up to his neck.  
A small brazier has been placed to fill the small distance vacated between the driver’s and passenger’s seats. In the brazier, briquettes of charcoal were burning with a crackling sound.

“It’s warm in here.”  
“Yup.”

The flames that burn while consuming oxygen make the interior of the car hot. I was just a little uncomfortable with these temperatures.  
My brain is complaining about a lack of water and I have a headache. I do the same with him, pulling the blanket over my knees to my neck. I even wanted to fall asleep as I pulled the blanket up to my mouth.

“But I feel like I had to do this with you.”

He said something out of character, and I wanted to ask him what he really meant, but I did not have the strength left to do it.

“There’s never really been any room for you in my life.”  
“That’s my line.”  
“I thought that I could be happy with you... And now I’m thinking that this is what I’m happy with. I’m not really sure what else would make me happy anymore.”  
“I don’t know how it got to be this way.”

Suddenly, I wondered what time it was. The sound of bouncing charcoal skins echoed through the smoky interior of the car.  
The night was deepening, and the owl’s voice could be heard in the distance as it fell over the hazy, glowing snowfield. I felt uncomfortable in the silence and gently reached out my left hand to take his hand in mine.  
My eyes met his as he turned his head this way in slow motion, but I embarrassed and dropped my gaze to my feet.  
“...I was gonna make fun of you by saying you’re a romantic, but I’m honestly happy and I can’t do that.”  
He squeezed my hand back. There was little power in his hands anymore. I felt his warmth and thought again that I love him. We are going to die soon. I almost cried when I thought about it.

“I feel like I’m finally doing something loverly with Semi-san.”  
“You’re right.”  
“I wish I’d had sex with Semi-san just one more time before I died.”  
“...Wanna do it here?”  
“It’s too late for that.”

He laughed. Thinking back on it, I spent every day asking myself what my true happiness was. I am sure he did, too.  
We are finally going to end our life in this deep forest with no answers to that.  
I think back to the days I spent with him. It is not just the fun and happy things, but the many things that have hurt him and been hurt by him. The thought rears its head that by dying with him, am I trying to save my own soul?  
However, that thought was soon dispelled. I was ignorant and inexperienced. It was at the time of my death that I finally realized how happy I was to touch and laugh with someone. The words he had said earlier, “it’s too late,” stung my heart.  
Even on a moonless night, the snow visible through the glass is beautiful.  
The briquettes illuminate the uninhabited road, which can go no further or return, with a gentle light.  
He is saying something. His voice sounded hoarse. Or maybe it was just a haze in my hearing.

“I actually regret a little bit that I stopped playing volleyball when I graduated from high school.”  
“Me too.”  
“But I also think that my most ideal volleyball can only be played in Shiratorizawa.”  
“All of our youth was there.”

I pick up each one of his words with a head that is barely functioning properly anymore. I felt his voice echoing from afar.  
In my dazed consciousness, the lingering regret for living melted away. Only the heat of my left hand, which is bonded to his, holds my consciousness together.

“Do you like spring, Semi-san?”  
“...Yeah.”  
“I like it too.”  
“...Yeah.”  
“So... If we ever meet again someday, I want us to die together again. Spring is a good time to do so... Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could park your car in this forest, hold hands like this, and take our last breath together like this...?”

His voice reverberates through the cramped car as he makes the unfeasible suggestion. This was the last time I had heard his voice. I found out that he was one step ahead of me.

I can see his peaceful sleeping face at the edge of my vision.  
The faint orange flames that lit up the car reminded me of the bedroom I had used as a child. It was beautiful, warm, and the farthest away from anxiety and loneliness.  
“I love you, Kenjirou.”  
I called him his first name for the first time. He did not reply to my mutterings.  
But I wonder why. He should have been gone already, but to me it looked like he was smiling. Even if it was just my imagination, I could see his smile at the end of my life, so I can sincerely say that my life was a happy one.  
“I love you, Kenjirou.”  
My lips took on his name, but no more voices came out. The vision is hazy. I cannot hear anything. He is the only thing that comes to mind. I was so happy about it that I decided not to open my eyelids again in a happy state of mind.


End file.
